Back to work and chemo

This month brings new surprises and a new chemo combination, halaven was added to my dual antibody therapy of herceptin and perjeta.  And so far, this mitotic inhibitor from the marine sea sponge has been a pleasure to work with.  First surprise was that it is given in a very concentrated form like 10ml over 5 minutes, so hurray less time in the infusion suite.  And secondly it has been like nothing at all, granted I'm getting over taxtotere, I've had more energy and less fatigue than I had with other chemotherapies.  I'm really hoping this one sticks and does the trick, as it is so easy to take.

As far as work goes, I'm busy getting reacquainted with flow cytometry, cell culture and science in general.  It was bumpy at first but things are looking up, and I'm settled in nicely.  Parker is loving going to daycare and we are always excited to hear the stories he spins about his day, who he played with, what they ate and what they did.  He's even learning to read, by sounding out words, we are so proud.  Thanks for all your continued prayers, I know God hears them and is working his wonders.
Kristin

Time for a break

Due to what we think is nausea and vomiting from taxtotere, I got 3 weeks off of taxotere to let the dust settle.  I'm very excited to have some time off of the big guns, although I still got the two antibody therapies on Tuesday.  My tumor marker went up a little (20 points), so not the greatest news- suggests that we'll be shopping for a new big gun soon.  Havalen will be a possibility. 
Other than that, I am back to work!  Its going well, although things are coming back to me very slowly.  I have managed to do a few experiments and they have turned out well.  Its been 2 years since I've worked so it is an adjustment.  Especially since when I left, I never thought I'd come back or be alive to come back.  So I didn't keep the best notes towards the end of my PhD.  My official title is post-doctoral fellow, very fancy title.  I am working hourly so that I can take time off when I need to for treatment or when I'm sick.  Thanks for checking in.  God bless.

All is quiet

Cool double rainbow after a good rain.

Pretty good news from the oncologist's office, my numbers are still low, however they did do a little jig and increase 15% this last month.  But overall, they are still down a bunch, so we are not worried.  The next drug we'd look into would be Havalen (aka Eribulin), which is (researchers, pay attention) a mitotic inhibitor from the sea sponge.  Go marine biology!  How cool would it be to be one of the researchers to discover they're pet sponge could treat cancer.  Well, that's pretty cool.  Anyway, no reason to worry, this little jig isn't a huge deal, only if it continues to go up, but I think its going down in the long run.  Based on how I feel things couldn't be better.  I still can jog without bone pain, but have chosen not to because it takes such a effort to go out in the cold and isn't as much fun now that I am so de-conditioned. But come spring, or a burst of energy, I can go out an run a good mile.  In the mean time I'll save my energy for running around after Parker anyway.

Getting ready for a home run!

Almost had it, way to go Parker and uncle Eric.

Parker in the vest I knitted him

My wig, I love it.

Unforseen surprises

Through this whole cancer ordeal, I never thought I would return to work, or get bored and want something more for myself.  I was in survival mode, savor the time mode, stop and smell the roses mode.  But now that I have turned a corner, I have time and the mental capacity to think what can I do with my life. It is a strange feeling and it took alot of soul searching to figure out why I was unhappy with the present.  But now that I have identified this feeling its much easier to try and tackle the problem.  It all started when I found out that I wasn't going to die anytime soon (6 months or less), and had to start thinking about my future.  I was so caught up in the present that the future had no place in my thoughts.  If I dreamed about the future, I'd go spiraling down a depression that I knew was unhealthy because chances are that I wouldn't be around to full fill any of those dreams.  On top of that I lost two friends to cancer and I assumed I'd meet the same end sooner than later.

So as of right now, I'm in the process of figuring out what I can do with my education background that doesn't involve standing on my feet, working long hours and is minimally stressful.  So its a bit of a puzzle, but I'm up for the challenge.  I've already applied to edit manuscripts from home but I have yet to hear back from them on the job.  I can't wait to use my science background.  Parker is doing great at a babysitters 4 days a week for a few hours while I get time to myself and get some work around the house done.  This is sort of a pre-preschool for him and he's doing great.  We've found the perfect preschool for him (Heritage Christian in NL) and so I am excited for him to start learning in a social setting. 

My tumor markers are down 55% in 3 months, so that means I have 1/2 the volume of cancer I had back then, amazing news and on top of this great news, we are selling the condo and have a serious offer on it, hooray!  Being a landlord was not exactly the most stress free job I've had for the past 5 years, so I will be happy to be done with it.  Thanks for all your prayers, I know they help and have made a huge difference in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving early

Despite still grieving the loss of friends health and approaching my late mother's anniversary and birthday, I have much to rejoice.  Not only did I restart jogging as the pain in my foot is 100% gone, but my tumor markers have fallen at a rate I've never seen before dropping almost 150 points in 3 weeks.  This is amazing and this deserves a moment of praise and thanksgiving to the one who grants all prayers.  He has given me reason to hope again and for that I am so thankful.

On top of this wonderful news, my sister got married to a wonderful man and is off in Italy now celebrating the start of their lives together.  Thank you to all who read, pray and think of me.  I know so many more women (and men) are suffering this horrible disease but this is a day to celebrate.

Bald and proud, I say thank you.

Saying Good Bye to a Friend

This week was one of those where I felt like the sky is falling.  First chemo on Friday took all day 9 to 5!  I had three drugs to infuse and they could not infuse them at the same time, so it was 1 hour for the first one, the observe for 30 min, infused the second one for 30 min, then finally infuse the last one for 1 hour and observe for 20, but that doesn't include all the wait times. I had to wait for a chair, wait for the doctor, wait for the drugs to be mixed and delivered.  Then God bless Saturday, it was like the calm before the storm- I felt great and we went shopping in the Amana Colonies, bought some little gifts, had lunch and saw a car show- it was a beautiful sunny day.  Then Sunday rolls around and the side effects kick in, tired, diarrhea, nausea (though no vomiting), plus the pain in my joints and foot all seam to come alive when I do nothing but sleep all day.

I was worried that I was going to be too sick to deliver a much needed meal to a dear friend, but when I texted her, if she still needed the meal I was met with a response many hours later from her husband saying she passed away.  Abbey was my inspiration.  She had endured so much, neuroblastoma as a child, then sarcoma as an adult, she had her leg amputated and had whole brain radiation as well as multiple radiation treatments to her spine and on top of it she had a large brain met removed.  She also had tumors in her lungs and on her heart, she was a true survivor and yet she found the beauty in life and rarely complained about herself.  After learning of my stage IV diagnosis, she actually cried and she comforted me.  I couldn't help but love this person who had so much to give even though it seamed she had so little herself.  She taught me alot about perspective and quality of life, she never gave up hope that she'd recover and live out her days with her husband.  And yes she married while she was in treatment and was devoted to savoring life as much as she could.  She and her husband traveled the world, too many places to count- she lived an amazing life, albeit far too short.  I will miss her chats dearly, but I will forever treasure the wisdom she imparted to me. 

Because not everyone has an Abbey in their lives I want to share just a bit of her (and my) wisdom here.  She and I shared a strong faith which allowed us to ask difficult questions and talk about the reality of our situations.  She and I do not feel that God is punishing us, we got sick out of bad luck.  We both only want our families and friends to savor life and be happy.  We both hope our husbands find peace and love again.  Neither of us believe that we will go to hell, and we both firmly believe in heaven where there will be no hurt or sadness, therefore it is my wish (and I believe her's too) to not waste time on earth fighting.  Abbey always acted as though somehow the struggles in our lives prepare us for a life in heaven, although we could not understand what that would be.  Life on Earth is meant to be enjoyed (regardless of your situation) and I want to give all my survivors permission to enjoy life to its full extent after I pass away myself. 

Scared

I won't sugar coat things this time, my emotions are raw and terrifying.  The radiation oncologist actually said when I asked her how does my MRI look, she said "not good", and then "well you know this disease isn't beatable".  Ouch, that hurt so much, because I want to believe it is, and that every disease is beatable- if it can be lived with. Diabetes isn't beatable but people live normal lives if they keep it under control.  So despite the victory of my foot pain going away, being done with radiation, I'm on pins and needles waiting to start the next one.  I hate being on nothing, it makes my mind spin thinking of all the things and ways the cancer is misbehaving in my bones.
My mind is coming up with more symptoms, more aches and pains as I wean myself off of the narcotics previously camouflaging cancer pain and treating the nerve pain from my foot.  I can only imagine what I will really feel like when I'm not taking any pain meds.  I'd always used pain as a measure of how I was doing, and I never liked being dependent on pain meds for daily activities.  If I can't function now without narcotics, I will really be upset with myself.  Hopefully some ibuprofen will do the trick if there is still some pain going around.
Now next time I post, I will hopefully be in a better place and say something like 1) No one has ever had my type of cancer before, 2) No one has ever been treated with the drugs I have been and will be treated with..... therefore why assume I will follow in anyone elses' footsteps.  I wish I could feel that way right now.