Scared

I won't sugar coat things this time, my emotions are raw and terrifying.  The radiation oncologist actually said when I asked her how does my MRI look, she said "not good", and then "well you know this disease isn't beatable".  Ouch, that hurt so much, because I want to believe it is, and that every disease is beatable- if it can be lived with. Diabetes isn't beatable but people live normal lives if they keep it under control.  So despite the victory of my foot pain going away, being done with radiation, I'm on pins and needles waiting to start the next one.  I hate being on nothing, it makes my mind spin thinking of all the things and ways the cancer is misbehaving in my bones.
My mind is coming up with more symptoms, more aches and pains as I wean myself off of the narcotics previously camouflaging cancer pain and treating the nerve pain from my foot.  I can only imagine what I will really feel like when I'm not taking any pain meds.  I'd always used pain as a measure of how I was doing, and I never liked being dependent on pain meds for daily activities.  If I can't function now without narcotics, I will really be upset with myself.  Hopefully some ibuprofen will do the trick if there is still some pain going around.
Now next time I post, I will hopefully be in a better place and say something like 1) No one has ever had my type of cancer before, 2) No one has ever been treated with the drugs I have been and will be treated with..... therefore why assume I will follow in anyone elses' footsteps.  I wish I could feel that way right now.