Songs

"Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory, take you to another place in time?" Well those aren't my words. They are actually from the song "State of Mind" by Clint Black. If you have been around me enough you have probably heard me say "That reminds me of a country song." I know some people don't care for country music, but part of what I love about it is how it is so often about life. Well Clint Black's song along with a few others have been on my mind lately. Some have taken me to a different place in time, but most have struck a chord in other ways. So here are some that have been on my mind lately.

Our song was "Living and Living Well" by George Strait. I think the reason we liked it is self-explanitory Here are a few lines from the song.

Had a nice little life
A little boat, a little beach
A little routine I liked
A blue ocean view
Free to go with the flow
Anywhere that I wanted to
But the moment you set foot on my shore
That's when I knew.

There's a difference in living and living well
You can't have it all all by yourself
Something's always missing 'til you share it with someone else
There's a difference in living and living well.

The next song is "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers. Over the last few months when I was feeling down I would think about the lines below. I would substitute cryin' for countin' to remind me there was no need to cry right now.

"If you're gonna play the game, boy, you gotta learn to play it right"

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done

When Kristin started telling people that her cancer had spread to her lungs and her liver I remember hearing her say on the phone something like, "Don't worry about me. Dying is easy. I want to help you." I recently heard the Patty Loveless song "How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye?" These lines really reminded me of her phone conversations.

 And she said, "How can I help you
To say goodbye, it's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry
Come let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye"

A few months before Kristin passed I heard Dolly Parton's song "I Will Always Love You" on the radio. These words definitely brought tears to my eyes.

If I should stay
Well, I would only be in your way
And so I'll go, and yet I know
That I'll think of you each step of my way
And I will always love you
I will always love you

And I hope life, will treat you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
Oh, I do wish you joy
And I wish you happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
I love you, I will always love

I will always, always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you

Around the same time that I heard Dolly's song I heard a song by Dan Seals entitled "If I Had Only One Friend Left." I know this blog is getting long, but I had to include all the words to this song because they are so meaningful.

I always thought you were the best
I guess I always will
I always thought that we were blessed
And I feel that way still
Sometimes we took the hard road
But we always saw it through

If I had only one friend left
I'd want it to be you

Sometimes the world was on our side
Sometimes it wasn't fair
Sometimes it gave a helping hand
Sometimes we didn't care

'Cause when we were together
It made the dream come true

If I had only one friend left
I'd want it to be you

Someone who understands me
And knows me inside out
And helps keep me together
And believes without a doubt,
That I could move a mountain
Someone to tell it to

If I had only one friend left
I'd want it to be you

'Cause when we were together
It made the dream come true

If I had only one friend left
I'd want it to be you

Someone who understands me
And knows me inside out
And helps keep me together
And believes without a doubt,
That I could move a mountain
Someone to tell it to

If I had only one friend left
I'd want it to be you....

This next song has been on my mind at different times over the last four years. One reason is it has the word cancer in it. It talks about being there when her time got small. Which really hit home the last few weeks of Kristin's life. When I read the lyrics today I remembered it includes "holdin' her hand, when the Good Lord called her up". I am so thankful that I was able to hold her hand through that very moment.

He said "Spent five years in the bottle,
When the cancer took her from me.
But I've been sober three years now,
'cause the one thing stronger than the whiskey

Was the sight of her holdin' my baby girl.
The way she adored that string of pearls,
I gave her the day that our youngest boy, Earl,
Married his high school love."
"An' it's a new tee-shirt saying: 'I'm a Grandpa'.
Bein' right there as our time got small,
An' holdin' her hand, when the Good Lord called her up,
Yeah, man, that's the good stuff."

Shortly after Kristin's passing Parker and I drove up to Wisconsin to visit some family. "I'll Wait For You" by Joe Nichols came on the radio. It would not have surprised me too much if Kristin had wrote a note similar to the lines from the song below. I am glad she didn't because I want her in heaven with God and other loved ones.

The doctor said, she's in a better place
She said to give this you this note just in case

And it said, I'll wait for you at Heaven's gate
Oh, I don't care how long it takes
And I'll tell Saint Pete I can't come in
Without my love and my best friend
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you
P.S. I love you, too
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you

Ronnie Milsap's song "I Wouldn't Have Missed It For the World" has come to mind over the last couple of months. I'm so thankful for the time Kristin and I had.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world
Wouldn't have missed lovin' you girl
You've made my whole life worth while
With your smile
I wouldn't trade one memory
'Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world

When Parker and I were driving up to Wisconsin for Christmas Lonestar's "Not a Day Goes By" song came on the radio. Well I had to dry my eyes after hearing this one too. Here are a few lines from the song.

If you asked me how I'm doing
I'd say just fine
But the truth is, baby
If you could read my mind

Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by

I often wish we had just a little more time. Which makes me think of the song "One More Day With You" by Diamond Rio. Here are a few lines if you aren't familiar with the song.

One more day, one more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you, 

one more day

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do with one more day with you

As we have been finding our new normal Billy Dean's song "Only Here For A Little While" has been in my head fairly often. It brings me more happy thoughts. It makes me feel good. Here are some of the words.

I'm gonna hold who needs holdin'
Mend what needs mendin'
Walk what needs walkin'
Though it means an extra mile

Pray what needs prayin'
Say what needs sayin'
'Cause we're only here
For a little while

I know Parker has songs that are special to him too. Don't worry I haven't corrupted him enough for them to be country songs yet. Some of the songs that are special to him are "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", Silent Night", "Jesus Loves Me" and "Here I Am Lord". In church this weekend after we sung "Here I Am Lord" he said "I love that song." When I sing it he is always telling me to stop. So I didn't think he liked it. Apparently it is just my singing that he doesn't like :)

Last night was the first time that I felt truly happy for Kristin. I know she is in heaven and there is no place better for her to be. I know there are things she is missing here, but the only reason to be sad over that is because we miss her. We are missing her, but she is in Heaven. So this leads me to one more song from church which is "I Believe I Do Believe Truly I Believe It". Parker and I were singing this tonight. So I guess I do finally truly believe.

Try this link to hear the song.
https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIHEasBU6SMAfsr7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBzc2M2MjdyBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMTE-?p=i+believe+i+do+believe+truly+i+believe+it&vid=eb3f82609e8e1d633c24e2f223ed2a22&l=1%3A17&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DVN.608049738981376596%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D4mqyEqY1gq0&tit=Truly+I+Believe+It&c=0&sigr=11bli8c9n&sigt=10ina7vfc&sigi=11rekveut&age[0]=1313078400&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av%2Cm%3Asa&hsimp=yhs-001&hspart=mozilla&tt=b

Footprints

While I was growing up the Footprints” poem was hung in our hallway (see below). I remember it being read to us multiple times. This poem always seemed to mean a lot to me. I have thought about it many times through the years. I actually incorporated it into my proposal when I asked Kristin to marry me. After we found out that Kristin had cancer this poem took on a new meaning to me, and I believe it did to Kristin too. Kristin and I would say to each other when one of us was struggling that God would carry us through. I have thought that and believed it to be true many times. Since Kristin has passed I have thought about the poem and read the version hanging in my bedroom many times. Here are some of the times God may have carried us through:

• Maybe it was when a friend stopped by the chemo suite unannounced to brighten Kristin's day.
• Maybe it was when a meal was brought over at just the right time when her energy was low and she could spend the energy she had playing with her family.
• Maybe it was the church that has always been there for us.
• Maybe it was the card received with the support she needed when she was feeling down.
• Maybe it was when a friend or family member rearranged their schedule to take Kristin to chemo or be with her when she couldn't be home by herself anymore.
• Maybe it was when the person on the other end of the line answered the midnight phone call to watch Parker so we could go to the ER to get Kristin the care she needed.
• Maybe it was when a friend worked on a quilt for her or with her.
• Maybe it was the friends that gave the two of us one last weekend trip together just before her health wouldn't allow for it anymore.
• Maybe it was the smile we saw on Kristin's face after she passed fulfilling her promise to me that she would beg God to give me a message that she was ok.
• Maybe it was the night I was wanting to talk to someone and a classmate I hadn't talked to in more than 16 years chatted with me online about some of her experiences with cancer.
• Maybe it was the invitation for supper, or games, or conversation when I didn't even know that was what I needed.
• Maybe it was a meal over the holidays when that extra time not cooking was needed.
• Maybe it was all the cards, prayers, and gifts of people showing their love.
• Maybe it was the song that came on the radio with a message I needed to hear just then.

I truly believe that God is carrying us through. I am so thankful for His help and all of your help!

One of the things I have read that people go through after a spouse passes is figuring out who they are again as an individual. When I first thought about that I wasn't really sure what to think or who “I” was. Kristin and I were together so much and for a long time. I always believed that it was “us” or “we” never her and I. So I have thought about who “I” am now. I don't know that I have it figured out but some of the things that describe or maybe define who I am are: father, son, brother, friend, engineer, Hawk fan, sports fan, lover of life, planner and believer in God.

I still have my struggles at times, but I believe we are moving forward. I am getting things done around the house. Parker and I seem to have a normal routine in the morning and the evening. We even weathered our first snow storm with just the two of us. We got the driveway and sidewalks cleaned and got to the Education Station and work at our regular times.

We still pray for mommy everyday and send her lots of hugs and kisses. We light candles for her and feel her presence. We think about her often, and we will always remember her. We are finding a new normal though. Thanks for your continued support and your prayers. Until my next post.

Patrick – 01/11/15

PS – I knew that Kristin's blog touched a lot of people. The blog keeps some statistics. The page has received more than 58,000 pageviews (almost 20,000 from iPhone and Android devices) from ten countries around the world.

Update

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support. We really appreciate it. Thank you for the meals and company. Well we are almost through the holidays. They have been good for the most part. The hardest part has giving out some gifts that Kristin had made (but had not quite finished) and some pictures, slide-shows and songs of hers. I guess they were kind of a reminder of things she was not able to finish, and that the fact that gifts were part of us that made giving them hard. I started going through some of Kristin's things in our room trying to clean and figure out what to do with some of them. That was much harder than I expected.

People ask how I am doing. I guess I have been saying good, ok and fine for the most part. Which is mostly true. Most of the day I am good. The evenings after Parker goes to bed are still the hardest. I still don't think I have gone a day without crying. Well technically I probably did yesterday because it was after midnight before I did.

One thing that the cancer did for us was to slowly transition us towards a new normal. As the cancer progressed and Kristin was able to do less we slowly adapted to getting to the Education Station, working, making meals, doing laundry and everything else. So a lot of the day to day things do not seem that different now than they did for the last few months. Taking care of Parker and the house do not seem too hard. There are definitely times that I miss Kristin so much though.

Some friends from church gave us some helpful books after Kristin's passing. The books say that there is a difference between grieving and mourning. Grieving is what we think and feel on the inside when someone we love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of grief. Apparently I am better at writing my feelings than speaking them. So hopefully blogging can help with my grieving. The books also say that there will come a point when the person mourning will be able to look at pictures or think about the person that has passed with happiness about the life lived rather than sadness for them being gone or missing out on what could have been. I am able to look at pictures sometimes now and smile and feel happy. I am trying to focus on remembering the good times. I also am trying to focus on the fact that Kristin is in Heaven with God, so I should not feel bad for her.

So I think we are healing, adapting and moving toward a new normal. Your continued prayers, support, conversations, company and everything else are appreciated very much. If I don't ask for help please feel free to offer or call or whatever. Happy New Year!